This is not my ceiling
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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