I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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