I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
