Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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