she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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