i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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