I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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