White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
