you would pick up someone in the library
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
