Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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