really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
