If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
