there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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