I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
cat food counts as protein by the way
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
