he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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