im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
