I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
