ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
