I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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