I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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