He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
