I hope mine doesn't look like that
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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