A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
