i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
