Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
