Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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