im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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