I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
