My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Acid is not a monday night drug
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
