Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
