Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
