the condom got lost in my hair
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Who died my cat blue again?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
