Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
