Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
