dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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