See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize