I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
