paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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