i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize