you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
