mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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