my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
