I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
