You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
