So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sarcasm needs its own font
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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