He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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