if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
