I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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