Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
