You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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