1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize