I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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