I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
