as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
