Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
