I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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