dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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