Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
